6 Tips For Siblings Managing A Parent’s Care
1. Talk, talk, talk. Before a crisis, talk in a positive way with your parents. “Say, ‘What’s on your bucket list? How do you want to live the coming chapters of your life?’” Lunden advises. “Talk about finances, so you and they understand real costs. These costs can bring down a whole family financially.” Make sure to talk with siblings, too, so everyone knows the same information and can define what the roles and rules will be.
2. Gather information and papers. “Know where all the money and accounts are, the insurance, the name of the investment broker, title to the cars, safety deposit box and keys, passwords, all of it,” Lunden says. “Ask if you need to have your name on their accounts, who their doctors are, if they have an advance health care directive — everything.”
2. Gather information and papers. “Know where all the money and accounts are, the insurance, the name of the investment broker, title to the cars, safety deposit box and keys, passwords, all of it,” Lunden says. “Ask if you need to have your name on their accounts, who their doctors are, if they have an advance health care directive — everything.”
3. Share documents on the Dropbox file-sharing service. Michaels was in Boston, her sister in New York, her brother in San Francisco and her mom in Pittsburgh. A service like Dropbox helps everyone get, literally, on the same page.
4. See your parent daily. Whether you do this through Skype, FaceTime or some other method, get the technology set up and make sure your parent knows how to use it. Michaels learned the hard way how important it is to have visual cues. Her mother was targeted by “roofers” who bullied her and took her to the bank every day to cash checks for them. The stress of the two-week ordeal caused her to lose both weight and sleep. “If we could have seen her, we would have guessed something was wrong sooner,” Michaels says. They bought their mom an iPhone and now “she FaceTimes us all the time,” Michaels says.
5. Accommodate as much as you can. Terry DiDona and her sister, of Cleveland, Ohio, have three brothers, yet the two women are their dad’s primary caregivers. He goes to adult day care at Benjamin Rose Institute, but they cannot afford home health care nursing every day, so the sisters split the job, alternating weekend shifts, scheduling day care drop-offs timed to their work start times and taking turns staying overnight at their father’s house. They don’t argue because they each understand what a tough job it is. And they try to always help one another get a respite. For instance, DiDona says, since her sister loves a particular exercise class, “I always stay with my dad those nights so she can go.”
6. Realize you’re not alone. DiDona and her sister also rely on one another for support. “I will send her an article about other people in situations like ours,” DiDona says. “We will talk about how tired we get and how frustrating it can be. We do get worn out, but there’s no other choice, because we don’t want to put my dad somewhere. So together, we just keep going.”
4. See your parent daily. Whether you do this through Skype, FaceTime or some other method, get the technology set up and make sure your parent knows how to use it. Michaels learned the hard way how important it is to have visual cues. Her mother was targeted by “roofers” who bullied her and took her to the bank every day to cash checks for them. The stress of the two-week ordeal caused her to lose both weight and sleep. “If we could have seen her, we would have guessed something was wrong sooner,” Michaels says. They bought their mom an iPhone and now “she FaceTimes us all the time,” Michaels says.
5. Accommodate as much as you can. Terry DiDona and her sister, of Cleveland, Ohio, have three brothers, yet the two women are their dad’s primary caregivers. He goes to adult day care at Benjamin Rose Institute, but they cannot afford home health care nursing every day, so the sisters split the job, alternating weekend shifts, scheduling day care drop-offs timed to their work start times and taking turns staying overnight at their father’s house. They don’t argue because they each understand what a tough job it is. And they try to always help one another get a respite. For instance, DiDona says, since her sister loves a particular exercise class, “I always stay with my dad those nights so she can go.”
6. Realize you’re not alone. DiDona and her sister also rely on one another for support. “I will send her an article about other people in situations like ours,” DiDona says. “We will talk about how tired we get and how frustrating it can be. We do get worn out, but there’s no other choice, because we don’t want to put my dad somewhere. So together, we just keep going.”
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